HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A MISSIONARY IN NORTH AFRICA (OR ANYWHERE IN AFRICA...OR ANY THIRD-WORLD COUNT

HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A MISSIONARY IN NORTH AFRICA (OR ANYWHERE IN AFRICA...OR ANY THIRD-WORLD COUNTRY, FOR THAT MATTER)

1. Gain 30 pounds in one year eating fast food and Goldfish. Sell your vehicle, buy a minivan and move into it (deputation).

2. Lose 40 pounds in 3 months, 30 of which you will lose through sweat, the rest by eating only rice and chicken (First Term)

3. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

4. Repaint your entire house every month using gray or yellow paint.

5. Renovate your bathroom. Lower all showerheads to four and one-half feet off the floor.

6. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn water heater temperature up to 300 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn water heater off.

8. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they used too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

9. Put 5W-20 lube oil in your humidifier, instead of water, and set it on high.

10. Leave your lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to maintain proper ambient noise level.

11. Once a month, disassemble all your major appliances and electric garden tools, inspect them and then reassemble them. Do this every week with your lawnmower, weed whacker and other gasoline powered tools.

12. Fill the bathtub with cold water. Heat 2 liters of water over the stove. Pour into cold water in bathtub. Proceed to bathe all of your children.

13. Tie sharp knives to all the door knobs in your house so they snag your clothes every time you walk by them. Get angry at the French for designing door handles this way.

14. Give blindfolds to drivers around you. Then tell them to scream at you for how you drive.

15. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar, it’s time to pray!"

16. Throw sand all through your house and then sweep the house. Immediately throw sand throughout the house after sweeping.

17. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

18. Clean your septic tank out by hand. Put the sludge in a garbage bag and bury it in the back yard. Pray the dogs won’t find it.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.

20. Announce to your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait for two hours as you go into town to change the propane tank. Return with baguettes and cheese because you could not find any propane.

21. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. Get up and bang a drum for 1 hour straight. Return to bed and repeat every few hours.

22. Go to the market for rice. Try to negotiate for an hour on a lower price. Leave angry, frustrated and rice-less because you will not pay a higher price.

23. Return to market and pay higher price because you need rice.

24. Start your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere, to ensure the engine is properly running.

25. Before going to the capital for shopping, walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

26. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

27. Have the paperboy give you a haircut with sheep shears.

28. Fill your tennis shoes with sand before going out.

29. Hang your head out of your car and yell “white person” at every white person you see.

30. Realize that these things are blessings and not burdens because “this I do for the gospel’s sake.”